Recently, I've been innocently challenged to think about my current relationship status. The million-dollar question seemed to be: How could Red Kitten spend Valentine's Day flowerless or "uncandied"? Was it just a rude oversight on someone's part or perhaps a harmless stroke of bad luck that the deliveries were never made? Or could the rumor be true? Is Red Kitten really just a cave-dwelling feline who only comes out periodically to hunt, to feed and to occasionally mate?

Over the years (ten to be exact) that I have been single, many people have inquired why I am alone.  Often times, the question almost seemed like the person was implying that being alone meant that I must be defective in some way. Yes, I have 10 toes, 1 head and 2 arms!  I hold down a full time job and am self-sufficient in every way. Okay, I have to confess it's hard to get to my age without having some baggage or defects, but I do try to keep my defects to a minimum and compact enough to fit in an overnight size bag inside of in one of those bulky steamer size captain’s trunks or huge cargo crate. 

I must admit I am abnormally normal so that binds me to living a life filled with doing my own thing whatever that thing may be. I am proud to say that there is no one I pine away for or look at as "the one that got away".  In fact, the truth is simple and fairly obvious as I examine my past. If any of my potential love interest slipped away empty-handed, they must have done so because they were oblivious to the fact of what a great catch they tossed back into the pond. [LOL] Because my heart is void of any emotional entanglements at this time, that might lead a person to wonder if free spirits ever miss being in love and what type of expectations they have for the future.

First, I would like to say that I learned long ago that being alone is MUCH better than being with the wrong person.  I would also like to say that I see no point in dating just for the sake of dating.  Quite frankly, it's been a long time since I've met anyone who I’d like to get to know better, but I suppose if I did meet someone who piqued my interest I would allow my curiosity to be more than superficially satisfied. I'm not opposed to emotional entanglements, I simply am not actively seeking one right now. Perhaps, what needs to happen is "it" needs to find me and convince me that life is too short to put things on hold for long periods of time. Afterall, when is the right time for love? It isn't something that can be planned for or done in an orderly way.  Nothing about falling in love is logical...at best, it's chaotic and quite overwhelmingly intense.

I suppose some people might consider me a picky person because I haven't met anyone who has tickled my fancy lately or because I do have certain preferences when it comes to which lures actually attract me.  When one goes fishing, it's crucial to use the proper bait if you expect to catch a fish.  To attract a Red Kitten fish, a skilled fisherman would use the following things as bait:

1.Wit/Intelligence

2.Creativity/Originality

3.Honesty/Openness

The mystery of my solo status is one that can be easily solved.  What really keeps me from throwing myself into the relationship arena? At this time in my life, I am the caregiver to my two elderly parents. My mother suffers from dementia, which has stripped away her desire to participate in the everyday activities of life.  She no longer sees the need to do anything, but sit in a chair all day and stare at the floor. My stepfather is a dialysis patient with several other serious health problems.  Neither can drive anymore and are completely dependent upon me for most of their basic needs. After working all day, it seems there is little time for anything else and my lovelife is at the bottom of the list. So if being single and not dating means I'm defective in some way then I must confess that yes, I am defective and will continue to stay defective until I feel I have the time and energy to devote myself to another human being besides my family.  

At 18 we are branded "adults".  At 18, the world is still primarily viewed in terms of black and white. Shades of gray come with age and experience. At this crucial point in our lives, many of us decide to forsake higher education by jumping into the real world by becoming gainfully employed (for some this should read painfully employed) or we take the plunge and go for the gusto by pursuing a degree in a field of our own choosing.  For many this is the first major decision we make as an adult. Then we spend the next several years changing our minds and tweaking our goals until we finally get to know ourselves and stop trying to please those around us. Others, the "untouchables" who come from various socioeconomic backgrounds actively pursue a career in being parasites and actually find they are rather good at their parasitic endeavors. For them, once a tick, always a tick! The nonparasites among us struggle to stay afloat, to maintain their humble lifestyles and to find periods of actual personal growth without being prompted to do so. The light at the end of the tunnel is realizing that we can and will survive in this world without compromising our own values or anyone else's.

At 18, we still are invincible and immortal. We don't think of mundane things like life insurance and health insurance. Those things are for people who are firmly rooted in middle age with families and responsibilities. At 18, as we leave the nest, those realities aren't things our parents enlighten us with. Yes, we are told to go to college so we can get a good job because a good job is required to support a family and a humble lifestyle, but we probably haven't been told to practice safe sex because a few minutes of pleasure can effect the rest of our lives or to trust in love because the real thing will still be there when we let go. Unfortunately, these are things many of us learn the hard way at the University of Life.

I often wondered what would have happened if I had developed a healthy curiosity in the art of being responsible.  Instead of investigating life somewhere over the rainbow, what would have happened if I had taken some of my squandered time and money and invested it in something of value? What would have happened if I had researched affordable health insurance as soon as I was no longer covered as a dependent on my parent’s policy? Would my world have been a different one than the one I choose?  Would I have realized that 18 year olds get sick and even die? Would I have looked at my own health with a different attitude?  Would I have realized the activities I participated in then might not affect me immediately but they might catch up with me 20 or 30 years later? Would I have realized that my immorality is a myth and that living on the edge and flying by the seat of my pants would one day be viewed with less enthusiasm or even with miniscule amount of regret?

Hmmm, I wonder why hindsight is always 20/20...

Have you ever been in one of those painfully awkward situations that under different circumstances would be hilarious solely based on the absurdity of the situation? Let me share a perfect example of just exactly one of those situations that would register about an 8.9 on the Richter Scale of Ridiculous Situations.  Unfortunately, my daughter is marrying into a family who makes Archie Bunker (remember him?) look like a bleeding heart liberal. These people have opinions about everything whether an opinion is warranted or not because we, the general populations are poor, misguided fools. Now, we all know that a wedding is supposed to be the bride's day...most grooms know their place and that place is to agree as often as possible with his future wife and to show up for the ceremony, of course.

Let me first say that my daughter's fiancé tries very hard to be respectful to both families and I admire him for keeping the peace for the most part, but there have been times when I had hoped he would step in and put an end to all the unnecessary hoopla and outrageous behavior, but for reasons I won't go into here, he either can't or won't draw the line and make some concrete boundaries. Perhaps he knows best, but due to the lack of boundaries their wedding has evolved into a painfully awkward situation.

When my daughter, Christina started making wedding plans., the thought never occurred to her to ask her future sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid because she dislikes my daughter and only barely tolerates her.  My daughter was caught off guard when her future mother in law insisted that her daughter, Jennifer be in the wedding party.  My daughter thought it over and had serious reservations about it because not only does Jennifer dislike my daughter, but she also dislikes my son, Daniel and his wife, Kris who have been asked to be in the wedding party. My daughter saw the potential for "her day" being turned into the wedding from hell.  Reluctantly, she asked Jennifer to be a bridesmaid because she saw it as a way to include his family and keep the peace. Then, when my daughter picked out her colors and the dress style she wanted her bridesmaids to wear, she was abruptly told that Jennifer doesn't look good in that color and because she has tattoos the style of dress my daughter picked out wouldn't look good on Jennifer. My first thought was ...whose wedding is it anyway and so what if Jennifer doesn't look good in that color or has tattoos? I held my breath as my daughter compromised and changed the color to suit Jennifer and her mother. Actually I don't think Jennifer has any true desire to be in the wedding...she hasn't worn a dress in over 10 years and is the type of person who is like a permanent rain cloud hovering over the picnic waiting until the best moment to have a sudden downpour.  In other words she isn't a warm, fuzzy type of person and takes pride in being confrontaional and unpleasant, but I think the real mastermind behind the whole bridesmaid thing is "momma" and "momma" can be a tad bit on the controlling side at times!

I suggested using tattoo cover up, but my daughter fears whatever she says or suggests would be interpreted as being offensive in some way. I say HOGWASH!!! I even went as far as to suggest that instead of running everything by "momma" that she needs to bypass” momma" and deal with Jennifer directly..afterall Jennifer is an adult. Needless to say, all my pep talks about having things the way she wants them because it's HER day have been futile because it seems her plans keep getting conveniently undermined every step of the way.  The focus isn't where it should be and that's on making sure my daughter and her future husband have a wonderful wedding.  Somehow it keeps getting twisted and everything centers on what Jennifer wants and how his family will feel and what they will say. Oddly enough, the people who have done the least in helping prepare for the wedding by being emotionally or financially supportive have had the most to say. Why do I feel like this may be a very common problem? And I hope someone shoots me o at least disowns me if I ever turn into this type of mother-in-law (this is where my daughter-in-law is supposed to step in and tell me how wonderful I am...LOL)

Sometimes the truth can be hilarious...both my daughter and I got a good laugh from the "wedding invitation" below  because we knew if it were up to his mother to have the invitations printed, they probably would have read something like this:

Nothing is constant, but change yet the older we get the harder it is to accept change or to welcome it as one of life's many journeys. As we grow older we look for a certain type of stability. That stability is similar to the feeling of comfort our feet feel when we wear our favorite old pair of well broken in shoes or when we slip on that pair of jeans that fits just right. We seek a calm...a type of peace that comes from learning those lessons in life that are meant to strengthen us and make us feel confident in times of trouble. Change? Doesn't change mean stress? Doesn't change bring an upheaval? A transition? A new lesson to be learned? Change means both a beginning and an end.

Just recently I have begun a metamorphosis that is meant to ready me for what is termed "the golden years"... not mine, but those years when parents start to decline. As I step into the position of watching the woman who raised me become needy and frail, I have started to witness just how strong I am even when I really don't want to be strong. As much as I would like to change fate or turn back the hands of time, I know I can't. All I can do is offer my help and be there for her as our roles reverse. I offer my guidance, strength and stability as she declines. I hide my fears and try to deal with the frustration I feel. This frustration isn't from feeling resentful for my new role, but from feeling that I am so limited in the comfort I can offer to make this transition easier for all involved.

I see the toll this past year has taken on her. My mother once could bounce back from anything. She was a fighter and now I see an old woman who is confused, weak and scared. I see a woman who has many health problems and I wonder just how long she has minimized how poorly she feels. The denial she has so successfully integrated into her world is now just flimsy facade. Her "act" was for the sake of her family and friends as well as for her own sake. Now, I see someone whose words of optimism are hollow and whose acceptance of fate echoes from emptiness. The positive attitude she clung to while battling cancer has been replaced with a cloud of confusion and physical weakness.

So here I am beginning my journey as my mother's caregiver. As we change roles, I remember all the things I've learned from being her hard-headed daughter. At times, I smile and at other times when I'm alone, I allow myself to cry, but regardless of how I feel, I can and will deal with whatever happens as it happens. This I do not because I have to, but as a way to show my gratitude and love to her for always believing in me.

Yes, I thought about my last relationship and now, I'm not quite sure I'd even call it that. I thought about how that person captivated me and how my heart was broken and my ego was smashed, but I’ve been fortunate enough to step past that and possibly rise above it. I choose not to hate that person for not loving me in return. I choose to hold the tender memories in a safe place and occasionally even chitchat with that person. Yes, his presence still makes my pulse race and magically my mood lightens, but that feeling is one that reminds me it deserves to be shared and reciprocated. I no longer feel unworthy because my love was not returned, I feel relieved that I know the difference between one-sided relationships and the real thing. I’ll be able to recognize what loves feel like so when it finally is given to me, I'll know that it‘s safe to give my heart in return. And if love never finds me again, I'm okay with that. I've lived ten lifetimes in one and feel blessed with all I've experienced and if I could go back...well....let’s just say, I doubt I’d change anything. Each pain, each time I've stumbled and each person who has touched my life has given me something valuable. Each step of the way, I've lived, learned and loved. It's my duty and responsibility to have faith and go on into each new day.

Writing "what a long, strange trip it's been..." would be a gross understatement especially when trying to describe the events of the past couple of weeks. As I prepared myself to go on my business trip, I not only looked forward to attending the symposium in Tampa, but also to spending time with someone I hadn't physically seen in a very long time. I've always been one of those strange people who enjoys learning, so for me the lectures/classes I attended were interesting and the pointers I discovered have proved to be helpful in solving some job-related dilemmas.

While away I had the opportunity to see my ex-husband in a way that helped me realize remaining friends with him should not only qualify me for sainthood, but also as an insightful female. Often times I don't give myself credit where credit is due and other times I’m fast to throw in the towel and not ride the storm out in a conventional way. Being headstrong and stubborn has worked as much to my advantage as it has to my detriment. Being able to acknowledge my own loneliness and need for intimacy, yet being able to say no to something that would have given me nothing more than some empty gratification made me feel strong and empowered. Once again, I walk whatever path I choose to walk. That shouldn't be a lightbulb moment for me since I have spent my entire life doing things my own way...right or wrong, Karen has remained true to herself. Maybe it was just a reminder that doing what's easiest is rarely what's best and even when the only eyes that see what I do is my own, these eyes are the most important ones in the long run. So when Jim made his "play" to take me for a trip down memory lane, I opted to dine with him, but to skip the part where I was supposed to be dessert. We parted on a strange note and one I’m sure both of us shall analyze for months to come.

Jill and I go way back...we spent some of our misspent youth in drug rehab together. Although we weren't what I would have called "friends" during that period, anyone who shared that same experience formed a unique bond that I can not really put into words.

A few years ago and many, many years after the fact, I decided to make a website for the alumni of this particular drug rehab. The premise for the website was to offer others the same type of closure I needed. In doing so, what happened was not only a much-needed closure, but also a rekindling of friendship and lost love in some people's cases. For me, it gave me the opportunity to get to know some people I never really knew then. Over the past few years Jill and I have gotten to know each other and have discovered we have many things in common. Undoubtedly, what we have formed is a lasting friendship.

As we sat eating dinner the last night I was in there at a quaint restaurant nestled on one of Florida’s Keys; we discussed some painful things that brought both of us tears. The reality and pain we all feel at times in our lives has the potential to open doors none of us can see. The key to those invisible doors forms from the strength we have when we open up and share the ugly grotesque reality of life and our darkside with another human being. Our choices, the mistakes we've made, the injustices we have felt and the horrific pain that has touched each of us has the potential to touch other people in ways we can not imagine until it happens. Buried there at the heart of the pain is another heart waiting to be found and a new relationship waiting to be formed.