Since my blog is touted as being a refuge for the subtly sane, the mentally irregular and the politically incorrect, I feel duty bound to share these slams with all my kindred spirits who like me, have a twisted sense of humor!  A couple of these made me chuckle because they seemed oh so true....I'll let you speculate which ones they are! Enjoy the insults and please feel free to add to them... the list won't be complete until a few political and religious slams are added.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a! lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mas! t?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 

The Abnormally Normal People's add on's to the list are:

Why do Italians put their garbage in clear garbage bags?

So Puerto Ricans can go window shopping.

Why do women have problems with depth perception?

Because they've always been told this much ------------------------------>  is 6 inches.

I decree it to be National Confession Weekend (June 24 - 26, 2005) and everyone has to reveal at least one useless bit of information about themselves on their own Space.

My confession:

I HAVE A POLE IN MY LIVINGROOM!!!

The idea for National Confession Weekend originated from the following excerpt from a chat I had with my partner in crime, The Blue Mute last night:

saucy tarts have toys

A few weeks ago, while passing by a room with a TV on, I heard some unfamiliar sounds coming from within.  I stopped to investigate what I was hearing.  On television was a band.  I don't remember the name, but I thought in my lifetime I had seen just about everything musical that could possibily be done be done with a straight face.  Remember Tiny Tim? Come on, after Dred Zeppelin singing Led Zeppelin songs in an Elvis voice to a reggae beat, what else could be done? There I stood witnessing what appeared to be a first.  I was amazed!

Now, I realize it's all about what will sell.  The almighty dollar is by far a great motivator for people to try just about anything.  In a few minutes I was asked what I was doing and answered I was watching what appeared to be a Country and Western band with a black lead singer doing some kind of hiphop.  I was informed that new genre was called "hick-hop".  The sad part about it was I could see where it might catch on.  The beat was danceable...I envisioned new line dances being created in its honor.  I left with that scene burnt into my memory to remind me never to be surprised by anything in life.  Always expect the unexpected!

A few weeks later, while catching a few minutes of The View, I saw another first.  Paul Anka was their guest.  Does anyone remember him?  Naturally, since he is a singer, he was going to sing.  I wasn't astounded that he was still around...after all, The Rolling Stones are still with us! Long live Mick! It was Mr. Anka's selection of music that made me shake my head.  He had just finished cutting a new cd entirely of  various rock songs.  He selected a song from his new cd to sing to the audience.  Picture if you can, a big band sound with Paul Anka singing a Nirvana song.  Can this really be considered a tribute when it goes so totally against what Nirvana was all about?  I believe Kurt Cobain rolled over in his grave and I kept waiting for Courtney Love to burst in to kick Paul Anka's ass.  I guess Courtney has problems of her own and nothing is sacred anymore.  Grunge lives!  It's truly a shame he didn't sing "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails and really rock the house!

This article was taken from and an article titled "World's Most Expensive Shoes" written on Friday, January 14. 2005.

With much competition, the most expensive shoes in the world are Dorothy's ruby red slippers. Actually no, I lied. But they were inspired by the Dorothy's shoes and are desired just as much (if you're a wicked witch from the west). These shoes are a fantastic design from Stuart Weizman and are agreed to be fabulous by everyone. The brilliant red shoes are woven from platinum thread and set with 642 round and oval rubies, totaling over 120 carats. Now in pounds these shoes cost exactly £1,594,505.00 which in US dollars is currently $2,391,757.50. So when you do the math they truly are the most expensive shoes in the world contrary to what Beverly Hills thought about Stuart's $2-million "Cinderella slippers" that were worn by singer Alison Krauss at the 2004 Oscars ceremony. And they're better looking too! Just look at them shine!

In honor of Arlene, our first storm of this hurricane season and in accordance of MSN's censorship code of conduct (let's keep everything covered), I declare this "Wet, Wild, Windy Weekend" (last weekend was "Gimme Gams")

1.  Post a picture of yourself that depicts you accurately (the real "you"), it must be revealing, but remember Big Brother is watching, so keep it covered as much as possible!

2.  Alcohol must be consumed - I have my gallon of wine, a long straw and a loaf of bread (essential hurricane supplies)...what's your poison?

3.  Post some seductive (the original choice of the word, "crude" was the wrong choice..thank Thomas for pointing that out to me) comment that will make me breathless and forget that Mother Nature is a real bitch sometimes!

4.  Hopefully, someone will do all of the above and keep me company! Come on, all you Saucy Tarts and closet Tarts come out, come out wherever you are! And what about all those Saucy Tart lovers?  Show us alittle skin!

(photo removed 6/12/05)

1. I grew up without any direction and still feel lost.
2. At my age, I still don't know what it feels like to be truly loved by someone.
3. I love too deeply and give way too much.
4. I would love to live on a tropical island and visit Ireland one day.
5. It will never happen, but I can dream! 
6. "Trolling" is my greatest passion.
7. I love to garden. Nothing like a home-grown tomato.
8. Roses are my favorite flower.
9. In a choice of right or wrong...I will choose Karen's way.
10. I hate being tall, but like having long legs.
11. I have to sleep with one foot out from under the covers.
12. I have no sexual inhibitions.
13. Black is my favorite color.
14. If possible I would have my home filled with flowers every single day.
15. There isn't much I can't do, from building a house to cooking.
16. I am a Virgo on the cusp of insanity.
17. I don't believe in organized religion.
18. I used to be a Girl Scout leader.
19. I love sexy lingerie.
20. I am liberal in my political views.
21. I love having cleavage.
22. The back of my neck is so sensitive that I can get aroused by the mere touch of a finger.
23. I love to dance alone.
24. Receiving flowers from anyone is one of my true joys.
25. I collect rocking horses and carousel horses.
26. I am a recovering substance abuser.
27. I miss using drugs and being able to get comfortably numb.
28. I love the feel of the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.
29. I am non-materialistic.
30. I am a hermit by choice.
31. I once dreamt I could  relive my life and didn't do it.
32. I love the feel of silk against my body.
33. I believe inner beauty is what counts most. 
34. I am not vain.
35. I wish someone would look at me and tell me I am beautiful.  That must be a great feeling for people who have it happen all the time. 
36. In almost everything I do I am my own worst critic.
37. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my work.
38. I am somewhat obsessive/compulsive.
39. I am aware that my looks have not opened doors in my life. I hate that I know that.
40. I really like children. 
41. I believe knowledge is power.
42. I have a fear of heights, yet climbed ladders most of my adult life.
43. I abhor coffee, tea and cigarettes.
44. I hate beer. I love liquor.
45. Favorite dessert: Lemon Merengue pie or rasberry (warm with a scoop of vanilla ice cream).
46. Favorite meal would be anything right now due to the diet from hell.
47. Broccoli and cauliflower are my favorite vegetables.
48. I hate dill pickles.
49. I hate canned peas but love frozen ones.
50. I only like vanilla ice cream. Cant stand chocolate.
51. I hate liars, lazy people and snobs.
52. I work best under a deadline. The creative juices flow better.
53. I hate loud noises.
54. Don't care for religious zealots.
55. I move all my furniture around when I'm depressed. The change soothes me somehow.
56. I am anti-gun. One of the reasons being I am afraid I would stick one in my mouth.
57. I want to be as evolved as Zen.
58. I hate driving alone.
59. I hate being in the passenger seat even more...most everyone else scares me with their driving. 
60. I wish I could play an instrument.
61. I love to sleep under the stars.
62. Best pick-up line ever used on me came with a dozen roses sent by a secret admirer...the card said "I accept candlelit dinners!" (I ended up living with the man for 5 years)
63. I have never gotten a speeding ticket.
64. I am a trivia-savant.
65. I am allergic to nothing.
66. Favorite cake: any type of chocolate.
67. Favorite type of food: Oriental, Mexican or Italian (that covers just about everything, doesn't it?)
68. Favorite drink: Vodka with just about anything.
69. Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Coke
70. Favorite curse word: I love 'em all.
71. Favorite TV show at the moment: Six Feet Under 
72. Favorite comedy: The Bird Cage. Second: Ferris Bueller.
73. Favorite sound: sounds of silence.
74. Favorite group from the 80s: Van Halen.
75. The thing I regret wearing the most in the 80s: my heart on my sleeve.
76. I love the 3 S's scifi, sex and sports.
77. Patience is one of my virtues.
78. I have had public sex. Yes, it's a thrill.
79. I believe if you've got it, flaunt it. Just don't poke an eye out.
80. I hate Christmas and think it should be abolished.
81. Best day on earth: the birth of my 3 children.
82. I believe the most beautiful piece of art in the world is the Sistine Chapel.
83. I value intelligence and humor above all else in anyone.
84. I believe if you can't flirt, you might as well be dead. My mother taught me that early on.
85. I think life is absurd.
86. I am not a hoarder I throw things away after 6 months if I haven't used it.
87. I love cats.
88. I have always loved cats.
89. When I was young, I wanted to be a witch.
90. I love Pink Floyd.
91. I do NOT want to be buried when I die. I want my ashes to be scattered on top of Cadillac Mountain (Maine).
92. Blow in my ear and I'll follow you anywhere.
93. My ex-husband and I are friends.
94. I walked away from someone I'm in love with because he doesn't love me.
95. I can't imagine life without cheese, onions, mushrooms or garlic.
96. I have never been able to find words to describe the feeling I have had today...I've gone from being suicidal to feeling like the strongest person on earth.
97. I am trysexual. I'll try anything, at least once.
98. I gave up caffeine and really miss it.
99. I never want to go to Texas again under any circumstances! 
100. I want to move back to Maine, build a house and learn how to sail.
101. I wish I'd never done this list. I believe it's too much information and  I don't like what I've written.

I had some free time last night, so I made it to a few blogs....FINALLY.  I do have to apologize to all the people who read me and I haven't reciprocated.  My only defense is that my lack of participation comes not from lack of desire to do so, but from lack of time. 

Personal updates:

1) Those of you who were concerned and supportive of my sister-in-law (in need of a liver transplant) will be happy to know that she finally started receiving Social Security after a very long battle.  She struggles on and awaits patiently to receive the liver that will save her life. Thank you for all your kind words and good vibes sent out her way.

2) Some of you who have been following The Litter Box, my other blog know that I'm about to embark of a very important journey  to Texas of all places.  A relationship I thought was over has arisen from the ashes like the Phoenix.  Because I can't and won't live with "what ifs", I'm going  to follow my heart and see where it leads me. 

3) The Diet From Hell is still going okay.  Friday will be the end of week 8.  OMG, I'd kill for a thick, juicy steak!  I'll be weighed and measured Friday, so a update will be posted then...

4) I lost my "woobie" (white with cute red kitties on it).  I think Jnuts might have stolen it to  start a new fashion trend.  I guess none of you knew he was into high fashion, did you?  Jnuts newest line is coming out soon.  It's called Urban Gangsta Wear and not to be confused with the cheap imitation Suburban wear.  Look for it on the cover or GQ and Vogue in May.

Abnormally Normal People and The Litter Box updates:  

1) I discovered last night that one of you (I'll let him remain nameless) nominated me on a blog named Spaces Hall Of Fame where people vote for the nominated blogs.  Although I'm very flattered by this nomination, I don't feel as though I did anything so deserving of this honor, but wanted to thank the person who nominated me for doing so.  It's nice to know that some people hold me in high regard.

2) On Chapter 28 of The Litter Box, I started getting people congratulating me.  I even got a congratulations from the author of one of the first blogs listed as The Best of MSN Spaces.  After reading these comments and scratching my head, I asked them what I was being congratulated for... apparently from what was written  The Litter Box had been placed on some "Best of" list, but I never have been able to find that list, so who knows?  While I was chatting with Crackers In Bed on MSN messenger, he said he saw the list, but when we both tried to find it, it was gone!  Another mystery goes unsolved!  My theory was MSN may have possibly listed me briefly on their list, but removed me when they read some of the graphic detail I go into on The Litter Box.  We mustn't upset the youngsters with talk of love and sex... let's straighten up and keep our entries strictly riddled with hate and violence for their reading pleasure! Afterall, we want them to reach adulthood seeing violence as the norm and sex as some deviant practice.  So in other words, it was just another way of MSN messing with me!  First they kill What Women Want  (Madame and Mistress Machree were me) and now they dangle what they think is a carrot in front of my face.  Sorry MSN, I'm on a diet and I eat carrots all the time! Try using a steak and you might have me squirming in delight! Ooops, I forgot! I mean bitch slap me and I'll follow you anywhere!

Yesterday another Red Kitten/REDKITTEN drifted onto my blog claiming I am an imposter.  Normally something like this wouldn't bother me, but I just checked out her website and I don't want anyone mistaking me for her.  OMG!  There are just some things that should never be posted on the internet!!! 

As for the both of us having the same name...  I guess she'll just have to deal with it.  Many people share the same name...in fact when I googled "Red Kitten" there were several out here in cyberspace.  I wonder if they are "imposters" also...maybe all the Red Kittens should do a peep show and see which one looks best.  LOL...only a select few get to look at my "good" pictures!

I spent a very pleasant evening at the theatre listening to The Pensacola Civic Band perform George Gershwin music.  Gershwin cleverly combined Jazz and Classical music to come up with a sound that distinguished him as one of America's great composers.  His classics are timeless and worth listening to in any venue.  I do have to admit that part way through the concert I was tempted to holler out "Freebird", but refrained from doing so in the sea of white hair that surrounded me for fear of being caned to death in the lobby after the performance.  I sat quietly  and was impressed by the grace in which the musicians played the tunes. This was far from my normal taste in what I usually would see or enjoy, but hey, being open-minded and diverse is what it's all about. 

Is there a song anyone would like to hear played on the Abnorms blog?  My first selection was "Ain't No Sunshine" by Eva Cassidy.  That song was dedicated to Jnuts by me because there ain't no sunshine when he's gone!  He keeps things hopping around here and things seem dull without him!  I'm up for any good suggestion and decent request or dedication and of course, the indecent ones also!  Do it publicly or keep your dedication anonymous...your secret is safe with me!    

Red Kitten

red_kitten1@yahoo.com