What a month this has been! Not only has my back been giving me problems, but my diabetes has as well…when it rains, it pours! My back actually started easing off to the point of being bearable about the time my stepfather fell and fractured his shoulder last Friday.  At 86 years old and being a dialysis patient, means he’s what most would consider very “frail”.  Since I’m caregiver to both he and my mother, having a hurt back just didn’t seem to have a place in the grand scheme of things. If nothing else, those people who take on the task of being a caregiver to any elderly person knows that many times it requires putting your own needs on the backburner. I can say, I’ve been thankful for the painkillers and muscle relaxers, but truthfully no matter what I take, there are times that the drugs do practically nothing. At that point it becomes mind over matter…

 

I’ve read through all the comments that have been left for me. I’ve also read my email and messages…I do intend to answer everyone, but I have to voice some concern here about the people who don’t seem to get that I have a life which includes having a full time job, taking care of my two elderly parents, having some serious health problems myself and every now and then having days that resembles everyone else's . Most of you seem to understand that my blog is my way to relax…writing is probably my closest friend right now. I would like to apologize for my lack of free time which is the reason why I am the neglectful twit some of you think I am. If I did have free time, I guess I might search for some creative, wonderful mid-life crisis or go out and do something fun like find myself a hot 35-year old lover…and yes, I would definitely answer each comment, message, and email sent my way and spend countless hours writing witty things on everyone else's blogs! There will be no apologies from me for me being me, but I can and will apologize for not having the time to jump into this blogosphere with both feet and give it my all.  I’m afraid that this is as much as I have to give of myself and if that falls short of anyone’s expectations, then cest la vie…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For those who come here in hopes to see a new post, the reality of having a full plate has caught up with me.  The easy solution would be to shut down this blog altogether, but that would almost be like cutting off one of my limbs.  Needless to say, I'm rather attached to all my appendages, so the solution for now is to do the things in life that require my full attention in hopes that I will be able to return one day and finish my story of Kinsman Hall along with the many other adventures in my life I'd like to share.  I do want to thank everyone for their comments and support. Maybe now, I'll have a few minutes to do something I haven't had time to do in a very long time...visit your spaces.   

Just when I thought justice had finally been served, justice developed a new twist. This twist even comes with a price tag and is shaken, not stirred.  Many of you who read my blog on a regular basis are aware of the identity theft case in which I was involved not long ago. The outcome came as a total surprise because the final judgment was a favorable one which vindicated me completely.  The judge determined I had been a victim of identity theft. I knew I was innocent, but the burden of proof is not an easy undertaking especially when a person is without counsel. When I presented my evidence to prove that I was not the person who had obtained the credit card in question, I was told by the judge that I could pick up all my evidence after she had made her judgment. 

I never considered presenting copies of original documents.  I just brought the originals and presented them in good faith that I would get them back as the judge had told me I would.  The whole case and everything involving it has worn deeply on my emotions, so retrieving my evidence was put on hold for several reasons.  The first reason was simply that I just needed some time to let my feelings cool off.  Next, I get off from work after the courthouse is closed.  I could leave work early, but doing so isn't an easy feat for a variety of reasons and taking yet more time off regarding this case just agitates all the negative feelings I already have regarding this matter.  My feelings and the stress related to this case is biggest reason why I haven't retrieved what I presented to the judge yet. Just thinking about the case even though I had won it makes me furious because this is the second time the same person has stolen my identity. Anything anyone can say or think about this situation has already been said and thought by me many times over. 

It’s one of those situations that seem so easy to solve until it's a personal problem. Everyone seems to be an expert on the matter with tons of sound advice, yet no attorney locally handles cases like this.  All the red tape and solutions aren't quite as easy as people are made to believe and each step of the way, the victim is scrutinized as being the guilty party.  As Murphy Laws dictate...things are never as easy as they may seem.  One person may tell someone to do one thing and someone else to do something else, but when all things are done as advised, the damage that cases like this cause isn't repaired quickly or easily and the emotional scars never heal totally.  It’s an unfair struggle and one that will break even the strongest of people.

I picked today to go to the courthouse to retrieve my rather large packet of paperwork containing certified bank documents, 15 years worth of income tax returns and a array of other documents to prove where I have lived for the last 15 years, what my signature looks like and what jobs I have held in that timeframe and where they were located. I have to be honest and admit I have been severely stressed lately due to some other personal problems and that I've been feeling lousy as a result of that stress.  The problems with my neck/back are to the point where every time I lay down to go to sleep, I'm woken up every hour or so because I’ve lost the feeling in both of my arms. In order to regain the feeling, I have to stand up and walk around.  This repetitiously happens throughout the night and gives me very broken sleep with little actual rest.  Simply changing positions in bed doesn't seem to ease the numbness. Needles to say, my broken sleep is wearing on me during the day and staying focused on my job is getting difficult. Also, the lack of sleep and the stress I'm experiencing is making my blood sugar elevated, my pulse and blood pressure erratic once again and the chronic pain I experience much worse. 

When I walked into the clerk of the court's office today as instructed by the judge as the place to go to retrieve my paperwork, I handed the woman behind the counter the paperwork from my case so she'd have the case number and any other information she might need.  After examining the papers, she told me since the judge did not write in the final judgment that I could have the evidence back, I'd have to write a motion to reopen the case and pay $50 to reopen it.  I looked at the woman like she was crazy and questioned what she had just told me.  I thought maybe she had misunderstood what I wanted.  All I wanted was MY documents that I presented in MY case which I had won.  Nope...she said the judge did not decree it in her final judgment, so I couldn't have my stuff back unless I reopened the case and petitioned her to let me retrieve the evidence. 

It’s unbelievable but true! The justice system has shown me every step of the way that if you're a "nobody" like me, then you have to fight all the harder to have things go the way they should go so justice really will prevail.  Some might say, the judge simply forgot to include what she had told me in her final judgment.  I say she forgot because it wasn't important to her and this was just some poor fool trying to defend herself in a case that wouldn't get any real attention.  My case wasn’t some high profile local case that might stand a chance of making the newspaper or television, so why bother being efficient?  I know that sounds cynical, but it's the way I feel.  The judge inspected all the evidence I presented because she mentioned doing so in her final judgment, yet when she was done with the documents, she simply put them back in the package they came in and sent them to the clerk of court to be stored away.  As she wrote the final judgment, my property, which was obviously unimportant to her was sealed away and forgotten about. I understand how it could happen and resent the fact that people like me are at the mercy of such a twisted way of doing things.  I know $50 isn't that much money, but it's the principle behind the whole matter that carries the greater, more expensive price tag. Thank you, Judge Patricia A, Kinsey!

I think my new drug of choice might be a hottub. Tonight was the first night after moving in; I braved the elements and took a relaxing dip in the tub filled with 100-degree water. My day started with draining the tub, scrubbing it and then refilling it with fresh water. It wasn't until later before I discovered how to use all the bells and whistles and most important, where the heater was located and how to turn it on. The tub is located in the backyard with a deck built around it and is enclosed by a wooden privacy fence to keep nosey neighbors from scrutinizing my new habit. Tomorrow's project is to hook up the outside speakers so I can listen to music while enjoying my new guilty pleasure.

While my tub drained this morning, I took a visit to the beach. Since summer is officially over in NW Florida, the spot I picked was deserted except for a few seagulls. New construction was evident that people were finally recovering from Hurricane Ivan which hit almost 2 years ago, but here and there houses torn apart from the fury of storm still stood as a reminder of what a bitch Mother Nature can be at times. Yes, I live in "hurricane alley", but fortunately I live in a state where the response time to natural disasters is relatively speedy, yet the recovery process is an ongoing affair for many years after a direct hit. And speaking about natural disasters...

Last week I celebrated my "35th" birthday! I got caught up in the moment by thinking back and realizing how different my life would have been if my choices had been rational ones rather than being motivated by the wild hair that tickled too often. Sometimes I feel as if I crammed too much life into my younger years which has left a noticeable void during my middle years. I find myself often times longing for someone to share the scrubbing of hottubs and quiet moments at the beach with, yet my boldness that prevails in most things wanes when it comes to matters of the heart. What was once fearless, I find has been replaced with caution and doubt. Moments of taking a chance, of taking it to the limit and of losing myself in reckless abandonment have been replaced with acts of responsible behavior.

Just the other day while at work, I was in a hurry to deliver some important papers to ADU (adult dialysis unit) in the hospital, when a voice out of nowhere started talking to me. I turned to see a typical "Karen" man walking next to me. He made a remark about my shoes  and asked me if I knew where the cafeteria was located. As I led him to his destination it became obvious that our brief encounter had the potential going further than parting ways at the elevator. Yet when he indicated his dissatisfaction in the fact that I was going up and he was going down, I smiled and continued on my way knowing that in times past I would have explored the possibilities. That day just knowing I had been noticed was enough.

 

 

 

The summer of bible camp was "the summer of love". How ironic I thought, while others everywhere were tuning in, turning on and dropping out, I was trying to understand basic human nature and to find out if God really does exist. From a child's perspective, I grew up thinking if the people who claim they love me and want to protect me will hurt me, then what will the rest of the world do to me? The funny thing about it is that I've gone through life waiting and wanting someone to prove me wrong. My logic says since people are human and humans are flawed, anyone is bound to hurt/disappoint someone else, but on a deeper level...one still filled with idealism and good things that can't be destroyed by this cesspool called life, I choose to hold onto the belief that love is a good thing and in many situations is the only thing that keeps us afloat.

After that summer when I fell short of receiving God's grace, I turned to trying to understand evil instead. When the Satanic Bible by Anton LaVey was hot off the presses, I purchased one and read it from cover to cover hoping for a lightbulb moment. Needless to say, it was just another book filled with words written by man and it didn't explain the great mysteries of life any more than The Bible had. My spiritual journey I suppose some would say was corrupted by my inability to believe what I couldn't see. Instead of blindly believing I questioned instead. If God loved us so much then why does bad things happen to good people? Where are the miracles? Why are there wars, fathom and disease? No one seemed to be able to adequately answer these things through the verses they would throw my way. I needed more than words on a page to swallow anything I was told about God.

Eventually my salvation was found in my experimentation with drugs. As that experimentation deepened, I found certain drugs had a numbing effect. That feeling was one my whole body craved.... especially my emotions. Nothing bothered me as long as I stayed high, so by the age of 14 I stayed high all the time. I could easily sit back and blame my choices on my genetic background. I'm sure the long line of alcoholism that runs on both sides of my family would be enough of reason to say I didn't stand a chance not to be a substance abuser, yet somehow I know that's not why I changed the path I had walked as a small child. You see, I actively sought out finding something that would make me numb. It took me many years to realize that without drugs I would have been a much uglier statistic. I choose drugs. They didn't choose me.

Looking back on it, I call the next 16 years of my life "my leap of faith". They say God looks out for fools and drunks, but I think He/She has a special fondness for all addicts. Addictions, whatever they may be, cause an emotional bankruptcy in the person. No love is greater than that of a person and their drug of choice. When I say "drug", I include food, sex, gambling, shopping, work or whatever it is a person uses to escape. All other things in life come second regardless of what we tell ourselves or everyone else. That moment, at the climax when nothing else matters, I found freedom from pain and a facade that made me think nothing could hurt me again. Many years later, when the truth stared me in the face daring me to look elsewhere, I realized the truth would set me free.

When the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter aligns with Mars all sorts of anormalies occur. MSN may have heard the message being broadcasted across the great cosmos before creating Spaces. "Build it and they will come..."  As one who heard the calling and came, I joined what grew into being a gathering of many kindred spirits. We sought each other out and  became this dysfunctional family. I often wondered where old hippies, freaks of all kinds and black sheep go to die, but now I know.  They turn into bloggers baring their souls for all to read.  Through typed text we have the opportunity to peer inside each other  and sometimes to see mirror images of ourselves. Now, many months later we stand naked in that 7th house, wondering why the cyber gods seem to be so restless.. so discontented.  Should a sacrifice be made? Oh, great MSN hear our cries!

 

As the exodus from Spaces becomes more wide spread, even I have looked for new places to call home.  Recently, I have been contacted by several people whose message have similar themes.  Their words make me wonder if leaving Spaces is something I should do.  

 

Taken from a past comment:

Taken from a recent email:

 

So inquiring minds won't think I dropped off the face of the earth, was abducted by aliens or have given up on blogging, my absence is due to a business trip to Tampa. I'll be back in a week.

Stay gold and write lightly...

I've all, but lost faith in the "system" over the years. That comes as no surprise to those of you who read my blog on a regular basis. I've watched many situations throughout my life where justice could prevail and should prevail, but it didn't. It always seemed that justice was slanted in favor of whom had more money and not who was innocent. I know that seems cynical, pessimistic and as slanted as I see the justice system to be, but when all signs say the sky is blue and that's the color I also see when I look skyward, then the sky must be blue!

I truly believed as I walked out of court on April 25th, that the judge was going to rule in favor of the credit card company regardless of how much proof I presented showing that the credit card obtained in my name was not obtained by me. At first the judge seemed on the same page as me and then something happened... I never quite figured out what it was, but as I left the courtroom, I felt certain she would rule against me when she reviewed all the evidence and made her final judgment. By the time I got back to work the reality of the situation had set in. I knew I couldn't talk about it without displaying some raw emotions and the workplace isn‘t the place for that type of thing. I knew saying nothing to anyone was the way I had to handle it...at least for the time being while I was on the edge.

The whole issue was like some nightmare and each time I thought about it, I felt physically ill. Staying silent and trying to stay busy so I wouldn't think about it seemed what worked best for me. So as my family and friends asked questions, I just politely told them I couldn't talk about it now.

To my surprise when I opened my mail yesterday when I got home from work, I had the final judgment in my hands. I thought the process would take alittle longer than it had. At first I couldn't bring myself to read it because I knew how angry and upset I would be upon the outcome. I was trying to prolong the inevitable. I have to admit that this is one time I'm glad I was wrong. The case was found to be one of identity theft. I was so stunned that I read the judgment several times because I thought my eyes had played tricks on me or perhaps I wasn't reading the legalese correctly, but each time the bottom line read the same...this time justice prevailed!

HALLELUJAH