Does anyone have what might be considered a normal, well-adjusted family or is the well-adjusted family just a myth or figment of some psychologist's overactive imagination? Are more people products of the Hatfields and McCoys mentality than being from the endangered species list with a name like the Waltons, the Huxtables or the Cleavers? I often wonder if anyone has a solid foundation and basis from which to boast about their lineage like some perfect award-winning thoroughbred that wins all the blue ribbons year after year.

Life eventually teaches us that all families have strange uncles and secrets meant to be kept in the closet. We all have black sheep and over-achievers. We have myths and legends. We have teetotalers and drunks! We all have those outspoken individuals who proudly stand up and defend the family name any chance they can. We have people who cringe in embarrassment whenever any family story is revealed to the public.  Those people would die a thousands deaths being related to me. Whether our families are too conservative or too liberal, the grass is always greener on the neighbor’s lawn and their strange uncle makes our strange uncle look like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family!  Some feel their family members are like a bunch of Neanderthals who function solely from some crude, fundamental set of ethics that can be summed up as "dog eat dog" or “the survival of the fittest”…or in some cases, survival of the most redneck.

The norm amongst family members seems to be that we take each other for granted, don't trust each other's judgment and forget to say I love you until it's too late. Families rarely assess its relationship dynamics and never feel the need to improve their communication skills. Families seem to learn a certain status quo and only rock the boat during a crisis. Families can exist in a rut for years because they see no need to fix something unless it's completely broken. Then the repair is only as complex as putting a band-aid on a gaping wound...if it stops the bleeding, no one sees the need for any further attention unless it turns red, swollen and starts to ooze from neglect. Most wounds are treated superficially and are subject to a rather slow and inefficient healing process due to the lack of care the wound has received. TLC is more like WTF when dealing with hurt feelings and relationships amongst family members.

With all the generalizations I can make about family structure and relationships, I have to admit I stepped outside the box a time or two by encouraging my children to think for themselves and make decisions based on the available facts.  I always believed a person does not develop problem-solving skills unless they are allowed to reason through situations and think for themselves. I tried to guide my children without taking control of every situation unless taking control was actually needed. Sometimes, but not often I had to step in and use my MOTHER trump card. I also, encouraged them to develop their own opinions and to stand up for the issues in which they strongly believed.

They had the advantage of having a mother who allowed them to do much more than most children were allowed to do.  You might wonder how that worked out and if they took advantage of my liberalism and leniency.  I can easily answer that by saying my whole parental philosophy was centered on the premise "if you act stupid, you'll be treated stupid."  As long as their decisions and actions reflected intelligence and some forethought, then life was a like a bowl full of cherries...without the stems and stones!  Let me say that I believe my children respect me and not because respect is something expected, but earned.  They see I'm someone who can admit when I’m wrong and when I give advice, it's given from my heart and based upon my own experiences. I don't believe in "just do it because I said so” or “just do it and don't ask any questions".  So now, as adults, they are people who can give even when the odds are stacked against them.  They can love without hesitation and withhold judgment until the jury deliberates.

Rarely does a mother-in law get a rave review and because of that, I would like to share a note my daughter in law sent me a few days ago. This wasn't written in a birthday card or as a way to apologize for some spat that had happened...it was written just because! That's what makes it so special. Not only did her note totally blow me away, but it made me realize how fortunate I am to have such a wonderfully dysfunctional family. Coming  home after spending a glorious weekend at The Crowne Plaza with friends because my house was filled with out of town guests for my daughter's beautiful wedding (by the way, she was a radiant bride), this note was a wonderful welcome home present...better than a perpetually clean house or meals cooked for a lifetime would have been.  My son, Daniel married a woman who clearly knows the importance of family and isn't afraid to express her love for each member. For those of you interested in reading more Kris has written, you can visit her blog, Life is What Happens to You While You're Busy Making Other Plans.

I haven't been to my blog much because of my inability to access it from work. Plus, when Val started taking offense at my writings, I admit that, as much as I wanted to resist the urge to censor myself, I could not bring myself to create one more source of pain in a consummately painful experience.

I also was unaware that you had started blogging again. What a pleasant surprise. I am glad to see it, because I know what it meant to me to have a forum to bleed out my thoughts and feelings, and I hope that you get some relief or comfort from it now, too.

There is something I have wanted to tell you for months now, and I feel silly for being so... well, silly about it but I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say and make you realize how important it was and how much I mean it. I am disappointed in myself for some of the ways my stress and fear and confusion manifested themselves when my family started getting sick and crazy and uncontrollably influential two years ago. I haven't got an excuse or reason, I was just raw and reacting. I didn't mean to yell at you and withdraw from you. I felt choked with family and found that, being unable to get rid of Val, I could only push away family that was closer and much more undeserving. I want you to know that when I told you that I was freaking out about my Dad and you said that I should just go to him, it was an important thing for me to hear, and it meant a lot to me. When we signed the lease on Euclid, I was scared of having the situation with Val effect you and Matthew. I was scared of being unable to fulfill my duties to you. I told Daniel about it, and he told me to let him make this decision, that it would be fine, and it really wasn't fine, in the end, but it ended up being what it was, I guess.

Anyway, the real point I wanted to make was this:

You were there for me, in so many ways, most of which you may not realize, and I know without hesitation that I could not have made it through the debacle Val visited on us if it was not for you, Matthew, and all of my family here.

 

Daniel was great through it all, which is huge, because there were things that happened that neither of us liked, and we fought so much and were apart so much and it felt like a year stolen from me. I credit that to you for bringing him up to know that sometimes you have to do something right, even if it is not comfortable. He never hesitated, and he tried to take care of me as best he could, which is exactly what I needed.

 

Also, in the wake of a successful (and by that I mean Jerry-Springer-free) wedding, I wanted to acknowledge that you once told me that if I got to know Christy I would find we had a lot in common. I did and we have. And the wedding became such a welcome distraction for me, such a needed source of happiness, that I am thankful for being able to be a part of it.

 

So, I hope I said what I meant to, and that you got what I meant to say, and that you realize that through all of this, I love you more than ever, and more every day. Thank you.

 

Love, Kris

10-4, Kris and I love you, too!